Today's Jokes!!
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Police Officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one, it was suspended when I got my fifth DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car, I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes, Sir! That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK ?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, Sir!"
Hearing this, the officer immediately drew his gun on the driver and called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver, gun drawn to handle the tense situation.
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain.: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.
Captain.: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see what's in it?"
Driver: "Yes Sir!" Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain.: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened --- no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pope John-Paul II was heading off on a private trip from the Vatican and decided to dispense with the armored Pope-mobile, choosing a luxury limousine instead. The chauffeur packed all of the Pope's luggage into the limo and then noticed that the Pope was standing on the footpath, rather than taking his seat in the back.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, my friend," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to have a drive today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that, Your Eminence. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, hoping the old man would just forget it and hop in the back seat.
"Your job will be safe, I will be safe and who knows, there might even be something extra in it for you," replied the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got into the back of the limo and let the Pope climb behind the wheel. But almost immediately, the driver regretted his decision, as the Pontiff had put his foot to the floor and accelerated the limo to 180 kmh.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleaded the worried driver from the back of the car, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard the sound of police sirens.
"Oh, wonderful. Now I'm really gonna get in trouble!" moaned the hapless chauffeur.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached. The cop took one look at him, raced back to his motorcycle and radioed back to police headquarters.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the patrolman explained that he'd stopped a limo doing a hundred and eighty.
"So bust him." said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that... he's really important!" said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, no, I mean REALLY important!" said the cop.
"So who have you got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"GOD? What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for him."
Reply With Quote
heres my bbpin:null
Originally Posted by pogi_2nr
DON'T WATCH ME 
WATCH YUHSELF, AND KEEP IT REAL EVERYTIME !! 
