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Thread: Jokes of the Day

  1. #1
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    Default Jokes of the Day

    I HOPE THE ADMINISTRATORS DON'T HAVE A FIT...

    Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

    Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!"

    They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing.

    Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

    The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"

    Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

    Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.

    Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

    When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

  2. #2
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    Default Jokes of the Day

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    ".......Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    LMAO dat well funny as for the second one, the man has a I D 10 T error
    Last edited by blindz; Apr 4, 2005 at 03:38 PM.
    01001101011110010010000001101001011011100111010001 10010101101100011011000110100101100111011001010110 11100110001101100101001000000110100101110011001000 00011100000110010101110010011100000110010101110100 01110101011000010111010001100101011001000010000001 10001001111001001000000110110101111001001000000110 00110110111101101101011011010110111101101110001000 00011100110110010101101110011100110110010100101110
    Click Here for translation


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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    Don't forget these...

    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
    Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
    Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

    __________________________________________________ ______________________

    Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
    Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    Contempt of Court

    Jamaican Lawyers
    Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they're not
    prepared for the answer.
    In a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called
    his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
    approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
    She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know
    you since you was a pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you
    family.You tell too much lie, you cheat pan you wife, you chat people
    and red-eye behind dem back. You tink you is a big shot now but you no
    realize seh you will never be more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know
    you alright!!"
    The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
    the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
    She again replied, "Why yes, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a lickel
    bwoy too. Him lazy, and good fe nothing, him bigoted, and him always a
    gwan llike him white. Him cyant build a normal relationship with nobody. Fe
    him law practice a di wos ina Jamaica. Him cheat, him teef, noting no deh
    devious what him nuh do. A three different woman me hear seh him ave an one a
    dem a you missis! Yes sah, me know him well."
    The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.
    The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
    quiet voice, said, "If eida of you bastards ask her if she know me, ah
    lock up oonu r**s
    starry heavens above and the moral law within
    Open source!
    dmitridawkins.com

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    A Study

    A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
    He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

    Red............cherry
    Yellow........lemon
    Green........lime
    Orange.....orange

    Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
    After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
    "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

    One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're *******s!"
    starry heavens above and the moral law within
    Open source!
    dmitridawkins.com

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    A man walks into his friend yard saw a dog and ask "YOUR DOG BITES"? his friend said no, my dog dont even have teeth. The man then went over and start teasing the dog. The dog bite off his hand, the man then ask his friend "HOW COMES YOU SAY YOUR DOG DONT BITE" his friend reply "THAT AINT MY DOG, MY DOG IS LOCKED UP AROUND THE BACK, THATS THE NEIGHBOURS DOG"

    always be specific.
    starry heavens above and the moral law within
    Open source!
    dmitridawkins.com

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
    Church services when she was startled by an intruder She caught the
    man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
    "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
    (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your
    sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
    "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
    scripture to you"
    "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two
    38's!"
    starry heavens above and the moral law within
    Open source!
    dmitridawkins.com

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said,
    "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to
    feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
    "Certainly not," said the Priest.
    "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole
    it."
    "I tried," Brian sobbed,
    "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
    "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep
    it for your family."
    Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
    When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence.
    When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had
    stolen his turkey.
    starry heavens above and the moral law within
    Open source!
    dmitridawkins.com

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    Default Re: Jokes of the Day

    Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
    They both got down to business and wrote lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
    When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
    God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing! My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
    God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."

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